Judgment Day

Have you ever had that feeling that you'll never be good enough? That you won't ever fit in? Even though I have friends and family that love me, I sometimes feel that there is no one in the whole world who truely understands me. Like there are people who can relate to parts of who I am, but it seems like no one can really see things the way I do. I feel like my sister comes the closest to understanding me fully and I think that's because she was raised in the same environment and can better relate to where my thoughts and feelings come from. I feel like if I am ever truely honest with anyone about my ideas and opinions they will look at me differently or not accept who I truely am.

Sometimes even I struggle to apprehend why I have the thoughts that I do. I frusterate myself because I make assumptions about people before I really know who they are. I am very judgmental toward people without really wanting to be. I am always thinking negative thoughts in my head about what someone is wearing, what they are talking about, or the way they are saying it. I definitely wouldn't want someone to react to me that way, but I do it unintentionally. Right now I feel like a horrible person for being so unforgiving toward others, but sometimes I actually enjoy making the mean comments. I guess it's the old adage that putting another down is the fastest way to build yourself up. But why do I fall prey to such a stupid idea? I don't want to be low enough to fall for that. I feel like I should have a strong enough self image so that I don't have to resort to those measures, but it's easier said than done.

Now I am hating myself. I always seem to find the bad part of another person instead of looking at all their positive attributes. Last week I was trying to figure out why I am always labeling people as weird or annoying before I actually give them a chance, and I came to a rather surprising conclusion. I decide to reject people and say they aren't worth my time before they have a chance to reject me. That is a pretty cynical point of view. I guess now that I have pinpointed the problem I am going to have to figure out how to fix it, which is the biggest challenge of all. Why is that we must better ourselves to be happy? It's seems like a nice idea, but it's all so very frusterating.