Scared
I figured out something today. I am scared of dissapointment. I am so scared in fact, that I don't allow myself to give everything I've got. I don't want to be at the other end and have to admit to myself that I've failed. I strive for perfection but at the same time I don't allow myself to give my very best. Therefore I am always left with a feeling of unfufillment. Deep down I know I can do better, but I am too scared to really find out where "my best" is because I am afraid it isn't good enough.
With this system, I can always comfort myself if someone doesn't like my ideas, saying "Well, I didn't really like it anyway," and "Oh I have so many other better ideas, this just wasn't worth bringing them out." So it's really a system of lies. I am lying to myself and lying to the people who see what I am made of. I present something that says "I think this is pretty good, but if you don't than that's okay because I am not committed to it." But in all honesty, it is something I care about, I just don't want to admit it to anyone, even myself, in case other people disagree with me. Wow that is a pretty self-degrading. Why don't I have any confidence in myself and my abilites? I mean people compliment me all the time on my talents and creativity. Why can't I believe them? Why do I have to put up a barrier of protection against pain and dissapointment?
With this system, I can always comfort myself if someone doesn't like my ideas, saying "Well, I didn't really like it anyway," and "Oh I have so many other better ideas, this just wasn't worth bringing them out." So it's really a system of lies. I am lying to myself and lying to the people who see what I am made of. I present something that says "I think this is pretty good, but if you don't than that's okay because I am not committed to it." But in all honesty, it is something I care about, I just don't want to admit it to anyone, even myself, in case other people disagree with me. Wow that is a pretty self-degrading. Why don't I have any confidence in myself and my abilites? I mean people compliment me all the time on my talents and creativity. Why can't I believe them? Why do I have to put up a barrier of protection against pain and dissapointment?
posted by Rach @ 11:06 p.m.
1 Comments:
At 2:01 a.m. ,
Pam said...
Rach! I didn't know you were on here too! Wow. It's like a whole WEFC blogfamily. Too cool.
Rach, I TOTALLY get what you are saying in this post. In fact, I feel I could have written it myself.
I don't know if it comes down to not trusting ourselves, what God has done, given us and will do, or (for me) being lazy but I feel unfulfilled in the same way.
Maybe it comes down to accepting ourselves as we are - human. Sometimes we will succeed and sometimes we will fail. And in the midst of that, God loves us and is okay with us just as we are.
I don't know. But I'm looking forward to reading your stuff. Stop by mine if you have time.
See you in a few weeks time! Yay!
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