Mind and Music

Sometimes I just need to make noise. Often times while I am at work, I'll start singing or humming. It's kind of hard to do it when I am at the register because I am supposed to stay "hello," and tell the customer the total, etc. But yet, my body just keeps going back to the music.

I seem to constantly have some random song stuck in my head too. There are a few songs that will be on the back disc in my head and cycle in frequently. But there are also a lot of times that a song will pop into my head from nowhere... a song I haven't heard for years and only know part of a phrase. That is what really gets me, because how can I keep singing only a line of a song? That's when I have to break into the "emergency use only soundtrack," which is a list of a few songs that I constantly go back to when I am trying to change the disc. For some reason, "Wind Beneath My Wings," is like my automatic emergency track. It's so weird because I don't remember when I first heard that song and I don't know very many of the words of it. But for some reason, without fail, "Did you ever know that you're my heroooooooooo...." always comes crashing back. It actually drives me crazy. It's my default music.

People have said to me "You must love your job if you are singing." But that's not really true. Yes, sometimes I'm singing because I am content, but most of the time, I just need to make some noise. Sometimes it's to calm myself. Work can get really stressful and I just want to scream. When I hum or sing a melody, it soothes me.

What I fear though, is that my need to make noise, stems from a need to avoid listening to my thoughts. Avoidance is my pain killer of choice. Rather than facing any real stress or problems, I just push them away and pretend they don't exist. This method is definitely not healthly, but it's just how I've always handled things. I'm too scared to try to change that now. If I stop to look in the back of my mind to where I've pushed all those feelings, I might find something that can't stay in hiding anymore and is even more awful than it was the first time around.